Screw the swear jar; pay someone a quarter every time you say this instead

Pre-P.S. You're reading day 22 of my 32 days of insights, inspiration, and instigation. (Very informal title). Get the full scoop here. ✨

I've decided to avoid learning "should" in Spanish.

Our house has no swear jar (it'd be full real fast). Instead of policing swear words, we've banned the word "should" from our conversations.

So there's really no point in me learning it in Spanish.

Should is a far more damaging word than shit.

"I should start going to Pilates."

vs.

"I want to start going to Pilates."

Do you feel the difference between the two?

The first one starts from a place of failure and ambiguity.

Why "should you" go? Do you even like Pilates? When are you thinking of picking up this new habit?

The second sentence actually communicates something—a preference.

The weight of walking around with endless shoulds on our shoulders gets heavy.

There are the shoulds we tell ourselves:

• "I should do the laundry."
• "I should work out."
• "I should be more bubbly."

And the shoulds we hear from others:

• "You should stay with us when you come visit."
• "You should go back to school."
• "You should wait and see who else you may cross paths with."

A handy antidote to shoulds is first being aware of how often you say "should" to yourself and others.

Then, a practical way to shed the lingering shoulds is to reframe them into preference statements.

When you reframe shoulds into preference statements, you give yourself direction for an action you can actually take.

Swappin a should to a desire or preference helps us eliminate unnecessary demands on ourselves. And, it helps us move forward more purposefully.

"We should go grocery shopping today." becomes → "I'd like to go to the grocery store at 1:00 pm today."

The first leads to analysis paralysis and a flood of possibilities, "Okay, should we do it before or after lunch?" "Should we go together?" "Should we run other errands then?"

The list of follow-up questions goes on and on.

Not to mention, it doesn't do a good job of honoring the other person's preferences. It puts a should on both yourself and your partner/friend, whereas "I want to go to the grocery store today. Do you want to come with me?" leaves room for a much more productive conversation.

Or in business...

"I should be writing weekly."

becomes → "I want to start writing weekly because I want to share my musings and connect with more people."

Or,

"I should have a social media presence."

becomes → "I'm actively choosing not to post on social media right now because it doesn't feel good for me."

How much added pressure is slapped on your plate because of looming shoulds?

Try turning them into preference statements to liberate yourself.

xx, Alyssa

P.S. Today's topic comes from a guide/mini-book I've been writing all about Dropping the Shoulds. Want to know when it's done? Have a genius idea for a better title? Hit reply and let me know.

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The Peel: Fresh perspectives on the layers of life with Alyssa Patmos soon-to-be Alyssa Kulesa. 🧅
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